Porno Things: A Stranger Parody
Why to watch: Nostalgia + hit Netflix series + hot sex = an awesome porno! Netflix’s Stranger Things doesn’t immediately seem like it would be a prime target for porn spoofery, but director Adam Christopher has never been one to shy away from unusual projects. Formerly known as Tarantino XXX, he has also directed porn spoofs of The Hateful Eight and Pulp Fiction. He finds interesting aspects to explore in Porno Things, which takes the Stranger Things horror/mystery plot and layers on an additional level of spoofing by taking on the style of one of the ultra-corny porn parodies of the ’90s. Riley Nixon is perfectly cast, with a unique and very sexy look that matches well to her otherworldly character. It’s weird, it’s hilarious, and it’s definitely a must-watch for horror/sci-fi fans.
Sexy Massage Fantasies
Why to watch: Naughty massages are a very common theme in porn. Most of them follow a pretty predictable pattern and style: a brief vignette of dialogue to set up the scene, a sequence where the masseur or masseuse begins to get handsy, and a moment where things turn into full-on sex. Sexy Massage Fantasies plays on the same general theme while offering something entirely different in terms of tone. Instead of deeply unprofessional (but fun) masseurs in vignettes, we get highly stylized massages that look almost as if they’re being acted out onstage as part of an experimental theater production. Sinful XXX knows the power of light and shadow, often leaving just enough to your imagination to kick all your naughtiest fantasies into high gear. And did we mention that the performers in the movie have bodies that approach some sort of Greek god level of perfection? No love handles here . . . just fit, toned models who’d probably be just as comfortable frolicking about in the Garden of Eden!
My One True Love
Why to watch: “Everyone is a sucker for romance movies!” proclaims Danny Wylde near the beginning of My One True Love. That’s particularly true if said romance movies feature Dahlia Sky (aka Bailey Blue) sucking and fucking her way to a very happy ending! Sky plays an amateur novelist whose characters live out her secret fantasies. In her novel, which forms the majority of the action in the movie, four friends explore their relationships, some of which seem destined for marriage; others of which seem like simple flings. Ultimately, all of them are interested in finding a soulmate, but it may take a lot of sexual exploration to unearth that special someone. Maddy O’Reilly is the most memorable of the supporting cast, riding Seth Gamble hard and deep before taking his popshot in her mouth. Having read all these sexy details in Sky’s novel, Wylde is fully in the mood by the movie’s final scene, which finds him naming Sky as his “one true love” with a passionate bedroom romp.
National Erection
Why to watch: Admittedly, our French is a little rusty, so we’re not sure we entirely picked up on all the nuances of the storyline. (It plays somewhat like a French version of House of Cards: a savvy political operator seizes power after party rivals perish in a plane crash.) Then again, the action in movies from the Jacquie et Michel ELITE line is always so elegant and sexy that you probably won’t mind if plot points are passing you by. One of the best things about European imports like this is that they feature amazing talent that is not as familiar to American audiences as Porn Valley superstars are. As fun as it is to see movie after movie with favorites like Angela White, Kendra Lust, and Alexis Texas, it’s always a nice change-up to be introduced to a new face. Julie Valmont, whose piercing eyes and luscious curves are a veritable siren call of beauty, is given a terrific showcase here. From the opening scene, where she receives oral sex from Thomas Crown, to the closing B/G/G threesome, she commands your attention at every moment. (Eat your heart out, Frank Underwood!)
Also new this week: Bedtime Stories 2, The One I Lust (read more here) and Love Explosion 3.